


Ever Deserving

by WinterAndLittleBrunettes



Series: Patreon One Shots [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Laith, Love Confessions, M/M, but things are still pretty raw after allura died to save the universe, good luck my dudes, he thinks that keith deserves better than him, keith confesses to lance, klance, klangst, lance doesn't feel the same way, long story short keith ends up heartbroken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 17:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18473596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterAndLittleBrunettes/pseuds/WinterAndLittleBrunettes
Summary: Lance sat alone on his porch, watching the sun set when suddenly Keith joined him. They exchanged pleasantries and sat quietly together for a while before Keith dropped a bombshell on his lap.A post s8 fic where things get real and one boy ends up heartbroken.





	Ever Deserving

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kayleeschuyler (stephaniebithell)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stephaniebithell/gifts).



> So, uh... Guys, please don't hate me??? This is my April Patreon fic for Steph, and... Wow, it hurts.
> 
> Truth be told, I kinda hurt myself writing this fic. The prompt was "loving any of us is a death sentence, isn't it?" and I apparently went for the full angst route. Like, I held nothing back, and I don't know if I regret that or not. I guess that will be up to you to decide.
> 
> So, this fic follows v shortly after s8 ends, and everything holds true. Allura died to save the universe, Adam died, Lance has Altean marks... All the stuff the fandom hates. Don't hate me for it? Normally I leave those topics in particular fairly ambiguous, to give you guys as my readers the option to imagine them as the case or not, completely at your own discretion. But in this fic, it's pretty explicit that all of these things are the case.
> 
> So, uh... Good luck? It's p angsty.....

# Ever Deserving

 

“I think… I think I love you.”

 

Lance heard the words distantly, as if he was underwater while someone was trying to talk to him. But, he wasn’t underwater, and as all things do, the words eventually came to him, shocking him into silence.

 

The words rattled around in his head, over and over and over. Those three words strung together weren’t words he’d thought of since he said them to Allura, what felt like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was. Another life, far from here, where they were still together and happy, and--

 

But Allura wasn’t the one who said them.

 

_Keith_ was.

 

Brave Keith, leader of Voltron and leading member of the Blade of Marmora. Courageous, hotheaded, wonderful Keith, dedicated to protecting those in need, to care for his loved ones.

 

Apparently, Keith loved him. Sure, he loved their entire team, but he loved _Lance_ in a different way than he was expecting.

 

Once, the thought of Keith loving him would have thrilled him, made him jump for joy and sing his praises to any who would listen. But, that Lance lived and died before they wormholed into space, and Allura tumbled right into his life. Literally. As soon as she came out of the cryopod their first day on the Castle of Lions, he’d loved her, both because and despite some of her qualities.

 

The time they spent together, though short, were the happiest days of his life. Sure, they were fighting a war, but he suddenly had _more_ to fight for than just his family. He had her.

 

But, she ended the war, and left him all alone, bearing her marks.

 

Belatedly, he realized Keith was still waiting for an answer. He glanced over at him out of the corner of his eye, and sure enough, Keith was looking at him expectantly, hands wringing nervously in his lap. He looked so eager, so sincere, that Lance hated himself more than ever in this moment.

 

He wasn’t sure how to respond. In movies, when someone says ‘I love you’, the other person always says, ‘I love you, too’. But those words weren’t the first thing that came to Lance’s mind when Keith said those three magical, beautiful words.

 

However, Keith needed an answer. He deserved that much. Lance knew that if the roles were reversed, he’d want one, too.

 

He just… Couldn’t give Keith the answer he wanted-- _deserved_ \-- to hear.

 

“I’m sorry,” Lance whispered. He clenched his hands into fists, tight enough that he could feel his blunt nails digging harshly into his palms. “I’m sorry.”

 

Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Keith’s shoulders slumping under the rejection. He hated to put that solemn expression on Keith’s face, but he’d rather that than lying to him. That’d be worse, in the long run. And Keith deserved better.

 

He deserved everything, really. And Lance knew he couldn’t give it to him. He didn’t think he could ever love Keith. Not in the way he wanted, needed, deserved.

 

It wasn’t that Keith was unloveable. He was. More than that, he was so full of love, and so deserving of it from someone special, someone who meant the world to him and could put him first. But Lance couldn’t. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. He was still in love with Allura, and owed it to her to love her.

 

“Loving any of us is a death sentence, isn’t it?” Lance asked suddenly.

 

Keith perked up, looking confused by Lance’s question. “What?”

 

“Well, when you think about it, with most of the relationships involving a paladin, one person usually dies.” Lance explained, and tugged at the end of his shirt sleeve distractedly. “Like, Shiro and Adam. They were pretty serious, from what I understand. Weren’t they engaged before Shiro left for Kerberos? Sure, technically they were together before we found out about the galra, but Adam died while we were in space being Paladins of Voltron.

 

“Then there was Allura and Lotor.” Lance said a little bitterly, even though he didn’t mean to. “They were happy, researching Altean history and alchemy together. I know I always tried to be there to… Well, to be a nuisance, really. I know Allura was frustrated with me for it, she practically screamed it at me with the looks she threw my way. We know how _they_ ended, and how heartbroken and betrayed Allura felt.

 

“After that, there was Allura and I… And--”

 

“I didn’t mean to bring her up,” Keith interrupted, and reached over to put a soothing hand on Lance’s knee.

 

Lance brushed him off before they touched, and Keith recoiled quickly like he’d been burned. Lance felt a little bad, but he didn’t deserve this, not from Keith. Not the man he was turning down.

 

“No no, it’s fine.” Lance assured. “Allura died. Plain and simple. She died, and we’re all standing here because of her sacrifice. So, we know that not even relationships between paladins are safe. She knew what she was getting into, dating me, and doing what she did to save the universe. But, she’s still gone. And I’m all alone, just like Shiro is.”

 

Keith’s face twisted, and he looked conflicted, seeming to want to say something. But, he decided against it and turned away.

 

“What?” Lance asked, twisting so he was fully facing Keith.

 

With a sigh, Keith turned back to face Lance again. “Well, Shiro’s not alone,” he said hesitantly. “Do you remember that guy from the Atlas bridge, Curtis? They’ve, uh, been seeing each other.”

 

Lance’s shoulders slumped as he realized the implications of that. He was the only one alone now. “I see,” was all he said. He knew it was of his own volition, but still. It still stung.

 

“I thought you knew?” Keith wrung his hands nervously. “Shiro said he talked to you.”

 

“I didn’t know.”

 

“Oh… Sor--”

 

“Don’t apologize,” Lance growled, and stood up, walking away to put some distance between them, “you don’t have to keep apologizing.”

 

Keith stood up too, and crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “What am I supposed to do, huh? I somehow brought up your dead girlfriend, so the logical thing--”

 

“I _know_ she’s dead!” Lance whirled around, throwing his arms out wide. When he saw Keith’s face, how wide his eyes were, surprised to be snapped at, he breathed out a long defeated sigh, his anger dissipating. “I just… I love her. I’m still supposed to love her. Her marks on my cheeks are proof of that, don’t you see?”

 

“See _what_?” Keith’s brows furrowed as he tried to understand what Lance was getting at. “Why does that mean you have to isolate yourself from loving anyone else now that she’s gone?”

 

Lance didn’t really have a good response to it, but he tried: “She gave me these for a reason, man. If I wasn’t meant to love her, and keep loving her now that she’s gone, then why would she give me these in the first place?”

 

“To remember her? Mourn her? And yes, love her, but love her for who she was and the time you spent together. But that’s in the _past._ You get to move on and be happy without her!”

 

“I can’t!” Lance exclaimed. “I owe it to her.”

 

“But _why?_ ”

 

“I-I don’t know!” Lance shouted. He could feel his eyes welling up with tears, so he spun away, blinking frantically so Keith wouldn’t see. “I just do.”

 

Keith growled under his breath, but quickly breathed out a long sigh, his frustration leaving with it, and took a cautious step forward. When Lance didn’t move away or try to stop him, he kept advancing until they were standing side by side, just like they used to. _That_ felt like something from a lifetime ago, too. “I don’t want to argue with you,” he said lowly, defeatedly, “I just… Want to understand.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Lance repeated, starting to sound like a broken record. “I just… Don’t know what else to say.”

 

They stood in silence together for a few minutes, basking uncomfortably in each other’s presence. Lance could feel the tension between them, filled with unsaid words and emotions, but he wasn’t sure he could cross over them and say what needed to be said.

 

He, just… Didn’t want to lose Keith.

 

“Well…” Keith sighed, and shifted back and forth uncomfortably on the balls of his feet. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately. “I guess I said all that needed to be said. So… I should go.”

 

Just as Keith turned to leave, Lance blurted out, “You said you ‘think’ you love me.” Keith whirled around to face Lance with wide eyes. “That means you could change your mind.”

 

Keith made a noise that disputed that, and shook his head. “No, Lance. You know what I mean.”

 

“Do I?”

 

“You should. You should know by now that I love you, and I have for years.”

 

Dread settled heavy in the pit of Lance’s chest, making it hard to breathe. Even though he’d suspected it for a while, hearing it made it real, and he didn’t want it to be real. Being real gave it meaning, and he didn’t-- no, _couldn’t_ \-- let it be real. Keith deserved so much more.

 

More than Lance could ever hope to give him.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again, tears finally slipping from his eyes. He quickly brushed them away, but the tear streaks down his cheeks were damning, and Keith saw the whole thing. “You deserve so much more than what I can give you.”

 

Keith growled again, a frustrated noise that shook Lance to his core. “To hell with what you think I _deserve_ ,” Keith stepped forwards, and grabbed Lance’s arm, gripping it tight. Lance flinched under the pressure, but it didn’t hurt. It was just firm, insistent, to help sell whatever Keith was going to say next. “I’m in love with the Lance that’s a Paladin of Voltron, who survived the war and is stronger for it--”

 

“Stronger?” Lance scoffed, and shook his head. “If anything, I’m weaker--”

 

“Let me finish.” Keith said firmly, and wiped the tear tracks from Lance’s face with a gentleness that Lance didn’t know he had. “The Lance who survived the war, and is _stronger_ for it. Who’s always got my back, and knows _exactly_ who he is and what he’s got to offer.” His thumb rubbed absentmindedly as he spoke, repeating the same words he spoke a lifetime ago. “Right now, things might be a little scattered. We all suffered a huge blow when we lost Allura, you most of all. And I understand that, _believe me,_ I do.

 

“I don’t want to pressure you in any way. I just… Wanted to let you know how I feel, I guess.” He finished quietly.

 

Lance just stood there, unsure about everything. He wasn’t sure what to do or say, something that wasn’t exactly new to him, but it was when it came to Keith.

 

“I don’t expect an answer from you now.” Keith was quick to add on. “Just… Eventually, I want to know if there’s hope.”

 

“Even…” Lance began, and winced when he saw Keith’s eyes light up with the light of hope, “Even if I can _never_ say it back?”

 

“I know how hard it is to admit that you love someone,” Keith reached out to cup Lance’s other cheek, so he was essentially cradling his face, “and, y’know, _never_ being able to say it would be fine--”

 

“No, it wouldn’t.” Lance said firmly, and pried Keith’s hands away from his face. He needed to put that barrier between them. “That’s not fair to you, when I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to love you the way you want. I won’t ever be able to love you like you deserve.”

 

Keith sighed with a roll of his eyes. “There you go again with that ‘deserve’. Lance--”

 

“We all know how loving a paladin turns out, Keith.” He smiled ruefully. “I can’t-- no, I _won’t_ do that to you.”

 

All Lance could do was stand there and watch as Keith’s face fell in front of him, the hope and light disappearing from the depths of his violet eyes. It nearly killed him, but, it had to be done. He had to hammer the final nail into his coffin, on the life that they could have together, so at least one of them could move on.

 

“To protect us both, I can’t be with you.” Lance said lowly, resolutely. He watched as Keith sucked in a stuttering breath, the truth behind his words sticking to his heart. Then, to seal it away forever, he said, “ _Ever_.”

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly? If you want to yell at me feel free. I mean, I've already been yelled at by the people who read this fic ahead of time, but I'm prepared for more of it. I know this fic saw the line of things that were okay, and stepped right the fuck over it.
> 
> So, lay it on me.
> 
> This was one of the few fics I didn't have a title for until I was _completely_ done it, which is unusual. The importance of 'deserving' is easy enough to read as you go through the fic, but the 'ever' part doesn't stab you until the very end. ...Did I hurt you guys with the title? It told you exactly what the fic was about!
> 
> Please consider leaving a comment! And if you want to come scream at me on social media, you can find me on [tumblr](http://winter-and-little-brunettes.tumblr.com/), [twitter](https://twitter.com/winternbrunett5), and [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/winterandlittlebrunettes/)!


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